If you don't want to stick around, then baby forget about me. My life is now divided into Before & After. What my life was before, how I was like, things that I used to do, happiness that was heartfelt. Smiles that reached to the bone and answers that I really meant to give.
The After is obviously the opposite. How my life is now, bland and tasteless. How I am now, just going through the motions. Things that I used to do, no longer interests me. Happiness that was once felt, now tarnished by a sharp searing pain as a bitter aftertaste. Smiles that don't quite reach there, and answers that are just lies.
I would tell you I'm doing better when I'm definitely not.
I tell you, I don't care when I do with all my heart.
I tell you I wanna be alone, when I really need you.
I tell you that it doesn't hurt anymore, when it still does, every single day.
I tell you that I've forgotten all about it when it haunts me every minute of
everyday.
I nearly cried in the classroom today as I was listening to Lil Bit's - Forget About Me. The ever observant Glenna who was sitting on my lap, glanced up and noticed the tears forming in my eyes. In a startled voice, she asked
"Are you crying?'. I shook my head and smiled, forcing myself to think happy thoughts so I would not alarm her if I suddenly cried for no apparent reason. She shook her head too and remarked
"You are going to cry, I know, because I can see the tears in your eyes"She asked
"Why did you want to cry?". I only managed to shake my head once more and murmured a barely audible
"Nothing." She frowned at me and said
"There must be something that's making you cry, you have to tell me what it is." I asked
"Why do you want to know what's making me cry?" She grinned and answered
"Because I want to be the one to make you smile". And that really made me smile. Such wise words from a 5 year old and my eyes filled with tears once again.
I wish I could have someone console me the way it seems to easy to console a 5 year old who's crying. I wish my kids could console me and tell me everything's going to be alright and hug me tight and bribe me with sweets so I won't cry any longer. I wish it was really that easy to make me happier.
When deep injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive. Forgiveness does not change the past. But it does enlarge the future.
Hence,
I forgive you. In Fear & Faith,