I Don't Want To Play The Broken Hearted Girl

You're just like a bruise, it hurts and leaves a mark. And then it's gone.


I'm sick and tired of the game. The empty promises, the reverse psycho babble, the false declarations, the pretend pursuit. Most of all, I hate the players of the game. I'm sick of playing the broken hearted girl. The one who gets her hopes crushed into dust. The one who's feelings get hurt. The one who cries bucketful of tears for those who don't even deserve it. The one who's always left wondering what happened.

No more games. No more players. No more assholes. No more "projects" a.k.a bastards whom I thought I could fix. From now on, only fully functional males.

As of right now, I don't think I'm ready to start again. The fear of losing and hurting, its just too overwhelming. I can't do this anymore.



In the words of Rihanna ' You're not far from the devil'

From a Libra to another Libra, here's to you too Miss Cranberry


In Fear & Faith,

I'm Done With You

Despite the fake exterior you were trying to show, the real you still emerged, deep from the recesses of your pathetic facade. I had thought you were too good to be true. Of course you were, because you were faking it from the start. That wasn't the real you, that was the You that you wanted the public to see you as. You could've fooled them. And you could've fooled me.

You probably think that you're some big shot ass celebrity that you can get all the girls that you want. Well, that's just you being delusional. Maybe its a case of too much spotlight on you that it temporarily blinded you? The only attention you're gonna get is from pre-puberty and acne-pitted screaming teenage girls who thinks the world of you. That's the only group of people who will think so highly of you when you obviously don't deserve it at all.

Soak in all the pathetic attention while you still can. Because we both know that when you play dirty, you won't play for very long. Because you'd be found out soon enough. Because karma's a bitch. And when you mess with me, you better run for your life.

Screw you and your pathetic rendition of Faizal Tahir's Sampai Syurga. You can try, but you know you won't win this time. Not when you've crossed my line. I'm done with you.


In Fear & Faith,

Sorry Boo, Strike Two

In the words of Megan Fox, 'There was once a little girl who never knew love until a boy broke her heart'.


I never thought my judgment of someone's character could be so off the charts. I thought, I should be able to sniff an asshole from a mile a way, given my bad experiences. But I guess I was wrong.

My erring judgment clouded my reasoning skills. I thought I knew you, seems like you proved me wrong, just like every other guy.


In the words of The Hills' Kristin, "Sorry boo, Strike Two".

The Unexpected Change

According to Meredith Grey, "The Unexpected is what changes our lives forever".

This is particularly true, to myself anyways. You can't always expect everything to go according to plan, and usually when things don't go according to plan, it goes wrong. But what if that wrong thing happens to be the right thing? The thing that you just need, right at the wrong time. That's when it changes your life forever.

I plan to try my best to stop all my unhealthy and harmful addictions because it no longer gives me pleasure or happiness. In fact, it's hindering my happiness and preventing me from finding what I really need. So here's to change. The Unexpected Change.



'You give me faith'


In Fear & Faith,

Le Graduation

The Graduation Ceremony was just a simple ceremony held at the Ritz which was supposed to be a memorable day for me. It indeed was, but for all the wrong reasons.

I was the only one left standing without my parents next to me simply because they were too full of themselves to let down their ego and turn up to see me graduate. A feeling of nausea swept over me when I realized that I could not spot the both of them anywhere and the ceremony was already about to begin. The Bestie then confirmed my suspicions which led to a fury of feelings.

The fact that they didn't even bother to turn up says a lot of things. No amount of excuses or reasoning can ever back up the fact that they were selfish. The sting of hurt when I was the only one without my parents, as though I was an orphan. Which it probably seemed like I was to everyone else. Seeing the joy of my friends' parents' faces at watching their daughters or sons graduate was like taking a bullet straight to the heart. When I know that my parents probably did not even care enough to watch me graduate.

All the while knowing how much this Graduation Ceremony meant to me, they couldn't even do this little kind gesture for me, after what they've put me through all these years.

The worst part of it all was not only my Mother's malice, but of my Father's betrayal.

And for that, I can never forgive them.





In Fear & Faith,

Before & After

If you don't want to stick around, then baby forget about me.

My life is now divided into Before & After. What my life was before, how I was like, things that I used to do, happiness that was heartfelt. Smiles that reached to the bone and answers that I really meant to give.

The After is obviously the opposite. How my life is now, bland and tasteless. How I am now, just going through the motions. Things that I used to do, no longer interests me. Happiness that was once felt, now tarnished by a sharp searing pain as a bitter aftertaste. Smiles that don't quite reach there, and answers that are just lies.

I would tell you I'm doing better when I'm definitely not.
I tell you, I don't care when I do with all my heart.
I tell you I wanna be alone, when I really need you.
I tell you that it doesn't hurt anymore, when it still does, every single day.
I tell you that I've forgotten all about it when it haunts me every minute of
everyday.

I nearly cried in the classroom today as I was listening to Lil Bit's - Forget About Me. The ever observant Glenna who was sitting on my lap, glanced up and noticed the tears forming in my eyes. In a startled voice, she asked "Are you crying?'. I shook my head and smiled, forcing myself to think happy thoughts so I would not alarm her if I suddenly cried for no apparent reason. She shook her head too and remarked "You are going to cry, I know, because I can see the tears in your eyes"

She asked "Why did you want to cry?". I only managed to shake my head once more and murmured a barely audible "Nothing." She frowned at me and said "There must be something that's making you cry, you have to tell me what it is." I asked "Why do you want to know what's making me cry?" She grinned and answered "Because I want to be the one to make you smile".

And that really made me smile. Such wise words from a 5 year old and my eyes filled with tears once again.

I wish I could have someone console me the way it seems to easy to console a 5 year old who's crying. I wish my kids could console me and tell me everything's going to be alright and hug me tight and bribe me with sweets so I won't cry any longer. I wish it was really that easy to make me happier.

When deep injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive. Forgiveness does not change the past. But it does enlarge the future.

Hence, I forgive you.

In Fear & Faith,

Idealization : See No Evil

An unhealthy need for idealistic love can be broken only by your individual efforts to face your pain and those who afflicted you, and to deal directly with the loss of having never been shown the love you needed, wanted and deserved. Many times such efforts require courage to feel the loss as well as to face those who hurt you.

Why is it that I keep falling into the same old destructive patterns? It's like I purposely set up myself to be hurt, time and time again. It's like I'm asking for it and I probably deserve it.


In Fear & Faith,